With the kickoff to our first-ever gaming convention just hours away, we know gamers are literally pounding at the doors to get inside the Zweibel Convention Center and get a gander at the treasures that lie within. Thanks to the wonders of virtual reality, we can give you a sneak peek at exactly what attending the Onion Gamer’s Expo is all about. Click on to delve into our gaming utopia.
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Zweibel Convention Center: Outfitted with 750 million square feet of gaming booths, 7,500 stages for developer conferences, and zero fire exits, the entirely wooden ZCC represents the mothership for the conference and everything a gamer could ever need. Click next to step inside.
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Usher: Upon entering the convention center, you’ll encounter our highly trained gaming usher, a gentleman required to provide all conference attendees with whatever they desire, whether it’s instructions to the coolest booths, guidance on getting to their hotel, or even items of a more...carnal nature.
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Hideo Kojima Simulator: Strolling along the con’s thoroughfare, you’ll run into our state-of-the-art simulator letting you enter the mind of the man behind Metal Gear Solid and Death Stranding by downing eight OxyContin and reading the Unabomber’s manifesto.
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Local Gamers Market: Nearby, this farm stand-style market allows developers from the surrounding areas to sell their homegrown games directly to consumers in order to promote more sustainable gaming.
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Pillory: After a few hours at the OGN convention, you’ll find there are a few simple rules at Onion Gamer’s Expo, and those that break them find themselves locked up here to be bombarded with rotten N64 and Sega Genesis cartridges by their fellow gamers.
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Public Showers: Feeling a little worn-down? 10,000 stalls have been provided in the center of our conference for mandatory showers to ensure our corporate partner’s noses are not exposed to our attendees’ debilitating odor.
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Nolan North’s Index Finger: Once you’re recharged, make sure to head over to booth A13, where one lucky fan will also be given the rare chance to get up close and personal with this legendary voice actor’s severed digit.
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Trash Can: This? That’s just a normal trash can. No, it’s not a console or something. Don’t try to play—no, come on. Stop it. It’s not a game. Just leave it alone. It’s dirty. You’re going to get sick. What are you, fucking stupid?
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World’s Largest A Button: Last but not least, the biggest draw of the convention: the opportunity to have your photo taken atop the world’s largest A button, which has been wired to control a normal-sized Xbox. With a diameter of nearly a mile, the button takes up almost all of the available floor space and costs $275 million to design and engineer.