The Con Pays Off: After Years Of Feigning Interest, George R.R. Martin Has Bolted From The ‘Elden Ring’ Offices With All The Topless Elf Concept Art His Arms Can Carry

Illustration for article titled The Con Pays Off: After Years Of Feigning Interest, George R.R. Martin Has Bolted From The ‘Elden Ring’ Offices With All The Topless Elf Concept Art His Arms Can Carry

Sometimes playing the long game can really pay off, gamers, and we’re really seeing it this week as one fantasy legend just cashed in all his chips. That’s right! After over a year of feigning interest in helping out drafting the story to Hidetaka Miyazaki’s latest title Elden Ring, George R.R. Martin just bolted from the FromSoftware offices with all the topless elf concept art his arms could carry!

Credit where credit is due, Martin just played us all for chumps and made off like a felon with an endless supply of half-nude drawings of elves.

“When George R.R. Martin first agreed to help write the backstory to my upcoming title, I had no reason to suspect that this was all part of a long con to secure himself thousands of sketches of undressed nymphs and sorceresses,” said Miyazaki, describing his deep dismay at watching a gleeful Martin sprinting out of the office. “Because he took so many, the papers kept getting caught in the wind and blowing onto the street, and then even more would fall out of his arms when he stopped to pick them up. And the whole time he kept chuckling and saying what a bunch of suckers everyone at FromSoftware was for buying his story hook, line, and sinker.”

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“What confuses me is that I specifically told George that he was more than welcome to look at this concept art while in the office, and he just smiled and said ‘Oh, Hidetaka, I won’t be needing to do that,’” he continued.

Sources within the FromSoftware office describe their suspicion about Martin’s intentions while observing the A Song of Ice And Fire author stuffing some of the nude drawings of the game’s fairies and mythical woodfolk under his hat early this morning while whistling “We’re In The Money” to himself. However, most dismissed the possibility after considering that Martin had already invested three years in writing a 150,000-word treatment about Elden Ring’s storyline. FromSoftware staff only confirmed Martin’s departure when the visibly nervous fantasy writer loudly announced that he had to “take a break” and then edged out of the office building with a 10-foot-high stack of half-dressed elf drawings in his arms shouting about how “it was all too easy” to pull one over on the FromSoftware dolts.

Looks like Martin played all of us, and he played us good!

“Once he was out in the street, we could all hear him bragging about how he could look at a different picture of a nude elf for the rest of his life and never repeat,” said Miyazaki, noting that he was hurt to hear the special amount of scorn Martin seemed to harbor towards himself given their close collaboration on developing the game’s lore. “He was going on and on about how we were all slack-jawed rubes for not seeing through his scheme. And he seemed amazed that all he had to do was write a 350-page video game treatment and now he got all the ‘elf erotica’ he could ever want and might never write another word again.”

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“Pretty soon he got winded, though, and just started looking at the drawings on the sidewalk,” he concluded.

Welp, gamers, looks like George R.R. Martin might be out at FromSoftware’s latest gorefest. Thankfully, it sounds like that might not be the last we hear of him, as the industry titan has already started posting online daily about how much he’s enjoying looking at all his new elf drawings.

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