Illustration for article titled Terrifying Implications: Leaked Nintendo Source Code Could Give Terrorists The Ability To Weaponize Kirby

Early May brought disturbing news for Nintendo fans everywhere as the company’s source code leaked only, exposing sensitive information ranging from detailed hardware specs to programming secrets. The loss of intellectual property has one terrifying possibility that should shock individuals across the globe: A rogue state or terrorist cell might now use the code to hijack and weaponize Kirby.

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God help us all.

Needless to say, the diplomatic implications here are unsettling. If a dangerous splinter group ever harnessed Kirby’s formidable power to vacuum in objects and absorb their abilities, the world would doubtlessly descend into chaos. With this leak, it’s now entirely possible that even a small terrorist cell could hold a city hostage with the threat of transforming the diminutive mascot into a spiked ball that could crush the Empire State Building in a single blow. To hold the power of Kirby is to hold the lives of millions in your hands. That power is now up for grabs to the highest bidder.

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Intelligence agencies around the world have long warned about the grim specter of a weaponized Kirby. But few leaders ever took seriously the threat of the pink blob swallowing a tactical nuclear weapon and wiping a city off the earth’s surface. They were content to let Nintendo expand Kirby’s power, year-by-year, whether it was by adding the abilities to fuse nearby elements with his razor-sharp cutter ability or brainwashing foes into becoming allies. All the while, the leaders responsible for keeping us safe knew that just one bad actor could manipulate these startling powers to disastrous ends.

Now, we must all pay for their hubris.

So pray, gamers. A terrible pink menace has been unleashed, and our only hope is that this leaked code is destroyed before it falls into the wrong hands. Some of us at OGN had repeatedly predicted that armageddon could come at the hands of this hijacked pink mascot. We now weep to be proven right.

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