ROCKFORD, MD—Instinctively exerting his dominance over other potential suitors through aggression and cunning, local teen Tyler Daigle successfully channeled his natural drive to murder sexual rivals into a victory at Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Ah, gotcha! Dude, you totally suck at playing as Pichu,” said Daigle, who sublimated his deeply entrenched urge to demean and brutally attack any threat to his reproductive advantages into performing a three-kick combo, dodging a Power Ball thrown by Kirby, and beating the avatar of one of his opponents. “Haha. Guess I’ll just take that hammer from Bowser and then [use the rush of testosterone bestowed upon me by millenia of sexual adaptations to guarantee I eliminate anyone who dare challenge my place in the mating hierarchy]. Game over, baby! Hell yeah!” At press time, Daigle’s evolutionary inclinations to cement his alpha status had further caused him to call his recently beaten friend “a spaz” and then dead-arm him.

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