Major Letdown: It Looks Like The Witch Who Hexed Us To Be Infertile Until There Are 20 Main Series ‘Zelda’ Games Considers The New ‘Breath Of The Wild’ Prequel To Be A Spinoff

Illustration for article titled Major Letdown: It Looks Like The Witch Who Hexed Us To Be Infertile Until There Are 20 Main Series ‘Zelda’ Games Considers The New ‘Breath Of The Wild’ Prequel To Be A Spinoff

Well, this is a huge bummer, gamers, but it’s looking like the witch who hexed us to be infertile until there are 20 main-series Zelda games considers the new Breath Of The Wild prequel to be a spinoff.

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Oof. This is obviously a big drag for everyone who was hoping that we could finally break the cursed ties that bind us and give birth to a beautiful child!

We were as thrilled as anybody in June of 2019 when Nintendo first announced Hyrule Warriors: Age Of Calamity at a Nintendo Direct event. Unfortunately, though, after traveling deep in the woods to the hovel where we first crossed paths with Glynwynda Of The Fens that fateful day, she shoved her bony finger in our faces and confirmed with devilish glee that since the game exists in a separate universe it can’t strictly be considered canon.

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We have to admit, we were pretty blindsided by this, readers. Obviously, we’d never try to claim something like Super Smash Bros counted as a Zelda game because it contains characters from the series, or even that the Phillips-developed CD entries like Zelda: The Faces Of Evil and Zelda: The Wand Of Gamelon should be included, but at this point, we can’t help but feeling like the miserable crone is being a real stickler.

Yes, it’s pretty disappointing, especially since we have always dreamed of giving birth to a beautiful baby girl, and now it looks like our dream will never come true. The only real good news is that Age Of Calamity seems pretty fun. It’s got all the classic characters, settings, and objects Zelda fans will love—although it doesn’t have any of the signature puzzles or dungeons that would finally fulfill the terms of the magical bargain and give our mother the grandchild she so desperately wants. On the whole, it looks like a fun and creative way to keep us from thinking about the youthful hubris that led us to mock a wizened old hag for getting killed in the first level of the NES’ Legend Of Zelda all those years ago.

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All in all, Age Of Calamity has really whetted our appetite for the next official Zelda game. Here’s hoping Nintendo will be releasing the Breath Of The Wild sequel soon, or that we can locate the powerful enchanted Amulet of Rapacity to finally banish Glynwynda back to the depths of Hell!

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