Jesus Christ: Shigeru Miyamoto Has Confirmed That Every Nintendo Switch Is Wired To Explode If His Heart Stops For Any Reason

Illustration for article titled Jesus Christ: Shigeru Miyamoto Has Confirmed That Every Nintendo Switch Is Wired To Explode If His Heart Stops For Any Reason

Yikes, well, we’ve got some pretty terrifying news. Shigeru Miyamoto has just confirmed that every Nintendo Switch on Earth is wired with explosives to detonate if his heart stops for any reason.

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The Nintendo game director let slip this disturbing secret during a press conference, where he stressed that the popular gaming systems are equipped with a sensor that will cause them to combust en masse if he has any sort of cardiac event whatsoever. Jesus Christ!

“When we designed the Switch, I was careful to install a little insurance policy in case any of you ever cross me,” said the visibly upset gaming legend, referring to the pound of C-4 he has reportedly secreted next to each console’s cooling vent. “Has the time come for me to cash in? Only time will tell, won’t it? Only time will tell.”

“You see, I am not so easily fooled as you might think,” added Miyamoto as he opened his shirt to pat a surgical scar for a pacemaker that he called his “last resort.”

This is obviously a huge warning for fans of Nintendo’s revolutionary console, who Miyamoto said should think twice when playing hit games like Animal Crossing or Paper Mario, noting that they might find their own house and loved ones “going up like a tinderbox” if the Mario creator has even a minor arrhythmia.

Miyamoto refused to clarify why he had taken this extreme step, saying only that “this will show my enemies,” and repeatedly challenging us to “come at him and see what happens—just fucking try” while flipping off the camera. He added that attempting to tamper with the sensor in any way would cause all Nintendo Switches within a 15-mile radius to explode as a warning.

We’ll admit we’re pretty scared, gamers, but here’s hoping Miyamoto lives a long and healthy life! Jeez.

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