Illustration for article titled Incredible Security: The Xbox Series X Will Deter Would-Be Burglars By Emitting A Rotting Crab Smell At All Times

Microsoft just launched the first real volley in the next-gen wars! To cap off yesterday’s impressive Xbox Series X games event, the hardware juggernaut announced that every iteration of their upcoming console will deter burglars by emitting a rotting crab smell at all times.

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For any gamers worried about what would be keeping their gaming investment safe this holiday season, this is definitely going to be a huge selling point!

“Microsoft is pouring everything we have into the Xbox Series X, which is why I’m proud to reveal that the hardware has been expressly designed to ward away thieves by giving off the rancid, slightly sour stench of decomposing crab,” said visibly nauseated Xbox head Phil Spencer in a video announcement where he appears standing besides a hardware prototype sending off a gray mist closely replicating the scent of a decaying crustacean. “It’s a really terrible half-salty, half-meaty smell that kind of...clings to the back of your throat, I guess? God. At first, it’s similar to the scent of the ocean. But the more it gets into your clothes and carpet, the more you imagine the blackened, mushy crab meat that would give off that sort of stench, with all those little parasites squirming inside, and all you can think of is getting the hell out of there and gagging.”

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“Jesus Christ,” he added, before pausing the announcement to breathe deeply and dry heave.

Well, gamers, there you have it! If you’re a Microsoft fanboy or girl, then you can be sure you’ll be gaming with the protection that only this sort of killer-app feature can deliver. Now bring on Halo Infinite!

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