Highlights Of The Onion Gamers Expo: Part 1

Illustration for article titled Highlights Of The Onion Gamers Expo: Part 1

And that’s a wrap on opening three days for our first-ever gaming conventions! There were breathtaking announcements, thrilling celebrity appearances, and a whole lot of tantalizing hands-on demos. But a few moments really made this the start to what could be one of the most mind-melting, cool gaming conventions in recent memory. Read on to find out what they were.

Advertisement

2 / 11

1.

1.

Illustration for article titled Highlights Of The Onion Gamers Expo: Part 1

Shigeru Miyamoto’s Baby Teeth: Yielding to frenzied chants from a horde of exciting Nintendo fans, iconic game designer Shigeru Miyamoto finally reached into his pockets and threw out his baby teeth into the adoring crowd.

Advertisement

3 / 11

2.

2.

Illustration for article titled Highlights Of The Onion Gamers Expo: Part 1

PS10’s Brief, Mysterious Appearance: Conference-goers were shocked at the sudden materialization of Sony’s future fourth-dimensional gaming console, making a brief appearance from the year 2095 after slipping through a digital wormhole. According to eyewitnesses, the space-time-defying console hovered in the air for several minutes, emitting a nauseating glow and giving everyone in attendance a brief glimpse at the unsettling future of gaming.

Advertisement

4 / 11

3.

3.

Illustration for article titled Highlights Of The Onion Gamers Expo: Part 1

Homily: Of course, the festivities couldn’t really begin without the traditional homily. In a 45-minute sermon, Father James Byrne shared lessons in devotion, worship, and stewardship of the faith, all in his famous brand of approachable light humor.

Advertisement

5 / 11

4.

4.

Illustration for article titled Highlights Of The Onion Gamers Expo: Part 1

Someone Brought A Dog: Yeah, there’s a dog running around the convention center and the owner is even letting people pet it. It doesn’t appear to be a service dog or anything so there are questions as to how it got past security, but people are thrilled nonetheless.

Advertisement

6 / 11

5.

5.

Illustration for article titled Highlights Of The Onion Gamers Expo: Part 1

Developer Jon Warner Publicly Self-Flagellated With A Wooden Cane As Penance For Anthem’s Failures: In order to show how sorry he was for last year’s Anthem letdown, lead developer Jon Warner took to the stage at OGE and repeatedly struck himself on the back with a cane until his flesh was raw and bloody.

Advertisement

7 / 11

6.

6.

Illustration for article titled Highlights Of The Onion Gamers Expo: Part 1

Unattended Laptop: We stole this unattended Alienware laptop from the hotel lounge. We didn’t really need a new one, but it’s nice to feel powerful and in control.

Advertisement

8 / 11

7.

7.

Illustration for article titled Highlights Of The Onion Gamers Expo: Part 1

Only 17 People Died: This was a relief and shows how far good planning can go to help cut down on risks.

Advertisement

9 / 11

8.

8.

Illustration for article titled Highlights Of The Onion Gamers Expo: Part 1

Some Kind Of Pokémon Go Bullshit: A big cluster of people formed in a vacant lot adjacent to the convention center, and while we’d hoped they might have drugs or alcohol, they mostly seemed to stare at their phones and intermittently shout “Gyarados!” It was a letdown to say the least.

Advertisement

10 / 11

9.

9.

Illustration for article titled Highlights Of The Onion Gamers Expo: Part 1

Scarlet Tanager Perched On A Windowsill: Look, not everything is about video games okay? There is so much beauty out there in the world just waiting for you if you actually bother to stop and look.

Advertisement

11 / 11