Illustration for article titled Having Trouble Finding The Coelacanth In ‘Animal Crossing’? And You Expect Us To Help You, After All You’ve Done? It Would Be Beneath Us To Even Grant You Death, You Dog

In these stressful times, gamers are finding Animal Crossing: New Horizons to be the ultimate in digital escapes. It’s a relaxing game packed with incredible secrets and hidden activities to enjoy, though none is as elusive as fishing for the infamous coelacanth. And if you turned to this page expecting to find tips on how to locate this ultra-rare fish, after everything you’ve done to us, then you are sorely mistaken.


No, we should not even grant you death, you foul villain! Indeed, you do not even deserve the taste of our palm as it would strike down an impudent dog.

What’s that? You strove to complete your collection at the Animal Crossing museum by delivering this fish to Blathers, the curator, and you somehow thought we would aid you in this quest? Were you really such a self-deceiving knave to expect us to forget the past so quickly? Did you truly believe we—we who have suffered such grave insults to our honor—would meekly turn over such gaming secrets? And, what’s more, to a scoundrel as odious as yourself? Never. The sun will be snuffed out and all creation plunged into a forever night before we would so much as impart a droplet of our knowledge about where and how to discover rare fish.


Oh, we have seen the coelacanth, and it is as beautiful and glorious as all the tales and fables have made you imagine. Sadly, your unworthy eyes will never gaze upon it. You will wander the earth seeking out provender and succor like a rat, a simpering little beast eternally tortured for its impudent request for assistance. Just the thought of it! Ha! How could we have ever forgiven you—you, whose sins could not be forgiven by even the most benevolent God? Nay, all of our Animal Crossing secrets will remain ours and ours alone. We shall see to that. Forsooth, not even death shall give you satisfaction. The coelacanth shall remain perpetually out of your reach, you revolting blackguard, you rogue and cursed vagabond.

Now, begone, you wretched being! Begone!


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