Okay, gamers, we’re going to level with you here. We’ve got some brand-new PS5 images that by all rights we should be super excited to share with you, but as the time came closer and closer to publishing them we started realizing that we’re actually dreading it because, honestly, you guys can be really fucking mean sometimes. We’re going to show them to you anyway but please try to think about how your words and actions can affect other people.
Here’s the first image of the latest console from Sony in all its glory! We thought this photo showing off the console’s sleek and bold design with white flourishes was pretty cool while we were first sourcing it, but by the time we put it on our website, we almost had a full-on panic attack just thinking about all the abuse we were inviting from you guys over any potential praise of the design, or even just our word choice in describing it. It really stressed us out, gamers. Sometimes when we were trying to fall asleep, we would think about how mean you would be about this article and we would have trouble breathing.
It would be nice if gaming fans could just have a nice, level-headed conversation about the console specs, but even something as simple as that is still probably not enough for some of you jerks who are going to just tear us apart for no apparent reason. In case it’s not clear, we didn’t take any of these pictures and we definitely didn’t design the PS5, so your constant verbal assaults against us are not only hurtful but they’re also not remotely productive.
Here’s another photo that offers some tantalizing glimpses of the PS5, and yes, before you say anything, this photo came out a couple of days ago. So if you’ve been following the latest PlayStation news obsessively, then this isn’t going to be as exciting for you, but please try to keep in mind that there are other readers out there who might be enjoying this photo and try not to crap all over their good time. You know, we used to come into work every day with a spring in our step, but we haven’t felt that way in months, thanks to you.
Yeah, this is the first photo again. That’s all we have, okay? Why are you so cruel about this? We can’t just conjure up more photos out of thin air.
Jesus, this was supposed to be our dream job. PlayStation just surprised fans by announcing that there would be two versions of the PS5, and we get to report on that, which should be fun and energizing. Instead, even as we’re writing this, we can hear your voices in our heads whining about the lack of a disc drive in the budget option or some bullshit detail about the controllers we missed in this article. This has become a miserable slog thanks to you ungrateful assholes. And you know what? Maybe you’re right! Maybe Sony screwed up. We’re certainly not perfect, we’re just trying to do our best. But maybe take that to heart and check your fucking attitude for a second, because we don’t see you dipshits publishing any console reviews. So consider just putting a goddamn sock in it.
Are you still angry about us repeating a photo? God. We’d say sorry about it, but we know there’s no amount of apologizing we can do at this point without you tearing us a new asshole, is there? When you treat us like absolute shit no matter what we do, there’s really no incentive for us to do a good job. Just some food for thought.
You know what? Fuck all of you. Here’s that photo you hate so much once again. We’re just trying to make a nice website where we review video games and share the latest trends and updates, but you’ve all ruined that with your incessant griping and horrible attitude. Do you even like video games, or do you just get off on picking us apart? At this point, we’re so upset we’re probably not going to even post anything for a few days, so maybe go bully the writers of Game Informer or something for a little while and give us some peace. Fuck off.