Gamers, We Need To Come Clean: ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ Is Just A Lie We Made Up To Make You Like Us That Got Way Out Of Hand

Illustration for article titled Gamers, We Need To Come Clean: ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ Is Just A Lie We Made Up To Make You Like Us That Got Way Out Of Hand

Hey, gamers! We know there’s one game left in this generation that’s been getting you more pumped than anything else. In fact, this open-world RPG from CD Projekt Red is probably one of the things that has kept you going through this tough year. But we need to just come clean and get this off our backs: Cyberpunk 2077 is not a real game. It was just something we made up to sound cool and interesting in front of you so you would like us and now that lie is spinning completely out of control.

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Please don’t hate us.

Now, we’re sure your mad. We know you were counting down the days until you could explore a fully realized Night City as part of the ultra-customizable gameplay you’ve been seeing in hands-on videos for months. But it’s a lie. It’s all a goddamn lie and we’re sorry. We just really like when you hang out on the site, and we wanted you to stick around. That’s why we made it up way back in 2012 and got the developer to play along.

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This started as a dumb little fib about something we thought you would like and now it’s become this huge weight on our chest, getting heavier and heavier every day. We just couldn’t keep it down anymore without having a panic attack.

We know what you are thinking. The screenshots? The previews? Our art department created it all. We thought we could keep up the charade for a year or two more with a trickle of delays and impressions about the gangs, the dynamic police system, all of it. But in the back of our heads, we always knew that one day, you would expect this game to come out and we would be caught.

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Some of this is on you. Why do you think it’s been delayed so many times? We flirted with the idea of canceling it all together, saying CD Projekt Red had gone bankrupt or something. But then we would have never been free from the manacles of this lie.

We were just insecure, you know? There are so many video game sites out there and we’ve always kind of felt like outcasts. Talking about Cyberpunk was the first time we ever really felt like we were part of something, like you actually wanted to hear what we had to say. In a way we wanted it to be real—the customizable weapons and slow-motion combat sequences. It all sounded so cool and we didn’t want to let you down. Please don’t blame us. After all, our intentions were good.

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We did this for you, even if we only ended up hurting you.

To be fair you probably should have figured it out years ago. The idea of a sci-fi shooter from the makers of The Witcher series was always a bit of a wish fulfillment fantasy wasn’t it? Obviously, we’re not trying to absolve ourselves of this. But we kind of assumed you would catch on when we claimed Keanu Reeves was going to be in the game. That doesn’t make any sense if you just think about it for a second. But we just blurted it out a few months ago, and then all it took was hiring him for a few press appearances and we were in the clear again.

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At least, until now.

So, listen, what we are trying to say is: We’re very sorry. This video game is never going to come out. It doesn’t even exist. Of course, we understand if you never trust us again to deliver honest coverage of the industry. On the plus side, getting this all out there makes us feel like we can finally breathe again without hating ourselves. We’re sure you’ll need some time to process this, and we could use a little time to ourselves to figure out why we’re like this.

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Unfortunately, we also aren’t able to refund any of your pre-orders. That money is already spent.

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