We here at OGN take pride in our readership. We consider you all to be loyal fans who relish our writers’ dedication to this staff’s work. Or, at least, we used to think that about you. Not anymore, though. Why are we angry, you ask?
Jesus Christ, you don’t even know why, do you?
We just spent four fucking days—four days—trapped inside a rolled-over minivan, and we are deeply frustrated that none of you reported us missing when we didn’t even cover the news about the next-generation Ratchet & Clank.
Sure, it was scary being stuck inside our totaled Honda Odyssey with our wife and daughters after we swerved into a ditch to avoid colliding with an eighteen-wheeler on the highway. Based on the severe injuries we sustained, we actually thought this might be the end of the road. But the whole time, we took solace in our conviction that one of you would alert the authorities when we didn’t post about our excitement for Insomniac Games announcing Ratchet & Clank: Rift Apart, an upcoming installment in the beloved third-person shooter series for the PlayStation 5.
You didn’t even notice it, though. Come the fuck on, gamers.
Frankly, after having spent decades of our lives delivering you up-to-date commentary on the latest developments in the world of video games, we assumed we had developed a certain type of relationship with our readership. At the very least, we assumed you would realize something was wrong when we didn’t say anything about Ratchet’s ability to hop between dimensions or the new freeze ray effect that takes full advantage of the PS5’s powerful system architecture. It looks like we were wrong, though.
The whole time we were trapped under the badly dented roof, trying to wriggle our paralyzed legs out of the totaled wreckage, we kept telling our wife, Susan, “Don’t worry, the OGN readers will see that we haven’t reported on Rift Apart’s use of real-time ray tracing and come looking for us.” But no, there was nothing. No missing persons report. No attempts to reach out to us. No asking our friends if they’ve seen us. For the entire 96 hours, you didn’t do anything.
And don’t give us any of that bullshit about how you thought we maybe just decided not to issue a comment on it. You know damn well the mysterious new female Lombax character is something we’d post about immediately. We would probably have included all the best fan tributes to the character in a slideshow. You know it. We know it, too
It was only when our daughter Liv managed to squeeze her way out of the passenger side door and flag someone down on the highway that we were saved. Sweet Liv. It must have been so traumatic for her. She’s only 12. She never should have had to do that, but you made her.
That’s the last time we ever expect anything from you, readers. Next time something goes wrong, we know not to count on even the bare minimum of help. Message fucking received. And, by the way, there’s no way in hell we’re going to write about the new Ratchet & Clank now. You can go find that news somewhere else. You people are monsters.