Since its inception, the Onion Gamers Network has prided itself on being the number-one source for all gaming-related news, bringing our readers the latest stories and updates from major players like Microsoft and Nintendo, as well as minor but noteworthy releases from a host of independent developers. In short, we have striven to cover every corner of the gaming world. What we have not done, and will never do, is report on the Chicago Pinball Expo’s signature competitive event or any news whatsoever pertaining to pinball, which we do not consider to be a game but rather a misbegotten abomination.
We have remained steadfast in this strategy to counter pinball’s rise throughout our publication’s tenure. For example, in 1943, as the nation was swept by suspicion of the so-called “Flipper Menace,” the original OGN editors bravely refused to comment in any way upon its existence, lest they risk lending legitimacy to the absurd and pointless exercise of hitting a metal marble through a series of bumpers. Likewise, in 1978, we cheered as heroic inventors created video games, pushing out the blight of pinball machines that merely confused our senses, deafened our children, and took up precious floor space in our country’s arcades.
Soon thereafter, however, the unimaginable struck: In the mid-’80s, a group of shortsighted and arrogant pinball aficionados resurrected a hobby that unquestionably should have been left dead, enshrining one of history’s greatest mistakes of all time in the form of the Chicago Pinball Expo. Like a modern-day Sodom and Gomorrah, they drew in scores and scores of innocent players and converted them to their twisted and perverse bumper-and-plunger-based worldview.
Many urged us to investigate this gathering and its sick “Flip Out” pinball competition, arguing that our sterling reportage could educate these poor pinball fanatics about the error of their ways. But our editors were all too aware that their souls were already lost, ruined forever by the seductive treachery of the ball bearing. Our firm anti-pinball commitment remained unshakable then, as it has to this day.
Indeed, the publication of this article constitutes the first and final use of the word “pinball” in our publication’s history. We felt that this extraordinary editorial decision was necessary after decades of ignorant or brainwashed gamers demanding coverage of the event. For the edification of our readers, we would like to take this opportunity to publicly enumerate our longstanding journalistic practices regarding pinball:
First and foremost, we will never cover pinball. This includes any tournaments, expositions, or events of any kind, as well as technological advances, trends in the community, interviews with “luminaries” in the field, or any other story whatsoever touching on the subject of pinball.
In addition, we will never cover any pinball-derived video games such as 1995’s Full Tilt! Pinball or 1999’s Pokémon Pinball. We consider these to be little more than a cheap canard by pinball apologists to trick us into covering their sick obsession. We will not fall for it.
We also regard all individuals who are known to engage in this pastime, or have close family members that do, as worthy of suspicion. We will always use extreme discretion when quoting them as a source and ensure that all their statements are subject to a thorough fact-checking before publication. For this reason, our ban on Pete Townshend for his musical promotion of this repugnant pinball lifestyle will never be lifted.
Finally, we would like to reassure readers that our long-running and award-winning coverage on the worldwide pachinko phenomenon will continue unabated.
We hope this lays the matter to rest once and for all.
Onion Gamers Network Editorial Board