Goddamnit, gamers. We don’t know if you heard, but apparently, we aren’t allowed to have even one nice thing without it being destroyed by that backstabbing bitch Deborah Hart. In fact, we here at OGN might as well cancel our entire Onion Gaming Expo because even though we already sent out invites to our conference and people are showing up, Deborah scheduled her video game expo for the exact same time as ours and her rich parents are hiring Bobby Flay to cook hors d’oeuvres.
We seriously just want to kill ourselves right now, readers!
What makes this even worse is that we know for a fact that Deborah never even wanted to hold a video game conference before she heard about ours. We were nice enough to suggest that she come to OGE like a week after we had the idea, and she just said, “Oh yeah, maybe.” But now she’s invited all the same people that were on our guest list and got American celebrity chef Bobby Flay himself to put together little finger sandwiches and lamb kebab lollipops, while we’re still stuck trying to get Mangiano’s House of Pizza to donate some free breadsticks and soda.
We can’t help but think this is all a lot of horseshit, gamers. After the months of hard work we put into OGE, Deborah just up and throws her own bash on the first weekend of August? There’s no way that’s a coincidence. Plus, we can’t do anything to upstage her because her parents are executives at Wells Fargo or something and can afford to hire culinary master Bobby Flay and rent out a karaoke machine to play 8-bit versions of pop songs for the whole night. Meanwhile, we all had to get part-time jobs to pay for the streamers that we picked up at Party City. Also, Deborah gets an allowance of $300 a week just for sweeping the kitchen, but she makes their housekeeper do it most of the time anyway, and she’s not even spending any of that money on her video game expo!
Look, let’s be real: Deborah isn’t even an actual gamer—she’s just doing this because she likes that guy Brock on the varsity basketball team and she knows he’s into video games. Sure, Deborah’s family has a Nintendo Switch and she plays Animal Crossing: New Horizons sometimes, but that’s not enough to explain a sudden interest in having thousands of people flock to a rented-out convention center for a whole five-day gaming extravaganza featuring a chef extraordinaire with his own show on the Food Network.
It’s just like the time she debuted her own Portal 2 demo impressions right before we did so people would vote for her for homecoming queen.
Then again, we all know why more people might show up to Deborah’s thing. She’s easy. Like, really easy. Yeah, we said it. And we’re sure that Bobby Flay would much rather come to our conference if he knew all the rumors about Deborah giving out handjobs in the Golden Corral parking lot in exchange for free beer. She’s also totally flat and stuffs her bra, but you didn’t hear that from us, gamers.
Alright, well, we guess we’re just going to go about our business and try to have a good time despite stupid Deborah destroying everything we worked so hard on. Whatever. Who even cares?