Disaster: Next-Gen Loading Screens Are Going Too Fast For Gamers To Read Tips And Tricks And Now Everyone Is Forgetting How To Play Video Games

Illustration for article titled Disaster: Next-Gen Loading Screens Are Going Too Fast For Gamers To Read Tips And Tricks And Now Everyone Is Forgetting How To Play Video Games

When we first got our hands on the next generation of consoles, one of the most thrilling prospects was the near-instant load times. Gone would be the persistent frustration of dying in a boss fight or while entering a new zone and having to wait three minutes to jump back into the fray. Little did we know, this power comes with a dark lining. Reports out today suggest that Xbox Series X and PS5 loading screens are going too fast for gamers to read the tips and tricks displayed in the corner of the screen, and everyone has now forgotten how to play video games.

Pandora’s box has been unleashed with these lightning fast loading times, and as a result, outright chaos has been loosed about the video game world.

“I was trying to play Demon’s Souls, and before I even got a chance to read a tip on how to dodge roll, I was thrown into this area called The Nexus and had absolutely no idea how to move or interact with anything,” said Kyle Stanfield, 32, one of millions of gamers worldwide who set their controller down in confusion after having mere moments to grasp the game’s combat and healing suggestions. “I thought there’d been a mistake, so I reloaded it hoping to have a few minutes to learn about the lore of the Regeneration Ring or how to spend my Souls to upgrade a weapon. But then I was just right back into the game again and had no idea what to do.”

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“That’s when I started screaming,” said Stanfield.

Everywhere across the globe, gamers are reportedly reacting with confusion, anger, and outright horror to their lack of access to loading screens giving them tips on class customization or how to invert shooting controls in the option screen. Sources have confirmed that many have forgotten how their joystick worked, while others reacted by simply setting their controller down, standing up, and walking directly into their television. Some have even forgotten the entire concept of video games, tearfully begging friends and family members to explain how they—a being of flesh and blood—could possibly interact with a digital character on a television screen.

What we now know is that having a few minutes to read an introduction to a new enemy type or enchanted blade is utterly essential to knowing how to play a video game without going insane. But for the huge swath of gamers who have smashed their DualSense out of fear after it started shaking because they missed the explanation that “controller rumbles will tip you off to in-game secrets,” it may already be too late.

In the rush to make our gaming experiences more seamless, we accidentally removed one of the pillars holding up gaming. The edifice is crumbling, readers, and we do not know how to shore it up. That’s why we’re begging next-gen developers everywhere: Please, throttle your loading times. The future of video games may depend upon it.

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