Illustration for article titled Deal Alert: The Guards Protecting The Duke’s Prized Copy Of ‘Diddy Kong Racing’ Will Be Briefly Distracted During The Fireworks Display At His Upcoming Grand Ball

Hail and well met, fans of diversions and leisure! Take heed, for we have a most tantalizing proposition on this fortuitous day.


It has come to our attention that this very night, the eve of His Lordship Duke Edmund Havisham’s Jubilee Ball, there will be a slender moment in which the two ferocious knights that protect the Duke’s copy of Diddy Kong Racing will be distracted by the magnificent midnight fireworks display on the north lawn. In this moment, Rare Limited’s iconic racing game will be yours for the taking!

Your concerns are well merited—Diddy Kong Racing is the jewel of the Duke’s entire collection and provides His Lordship no small amount of amusement. Surely, you must think this is a fool’s errand. Admittedly, the price shall be hefty if you are caught with the game in hand by the castle guards. You would live out your days in the darkest cell of the deepest dungeon with naught but rats and meager pottage to comfort you. But is it not worth it, for the opportunity to race Timber the Tiger in an aeroplane against the evil Wizpig?


Insider sources also report that the rather oafish guard who seats himself next to the Duke’s mint-condition copy of Nintendo Power Issue #3 often takes a nap after his sumptuous evening supper, and what’s more, is a drunkard! With the right amount of cunning—and perhaps an alluring courtesan’s vizard to bamboozle his senses—this entire bundle could be yours within the eve!

Hark! The band is beginning to play! We know that the viscount to the East has promised a great reward for the rightful return of this copy of Diddy Kong Racing, which he believed the Duke stole from him during a recent parlay. But do not lose your head to his promise of gold and concubine! All gifts pale in comparison to the satisfaction you shall feel holding the cartridge in your hands and knowing that none in the realm save you will ever have access to the magical terrain of Future Fun Land.


Quickly, quickly! The guards are making their way to the veranda. Hasten yourself! Be light of foot and sturdy of heart, and fare thee well! Return with the prize, or else not at all!

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