BRANFORD, CT—After countless hours memorizing the map, familiarizing themselves with the various weapons, and refining tactics for all character mixes, the skill of top Apex Legends players reached the point this week where the game is impossible for average people to enjoy. “It’s really gratifying that I’m good enough to completely overwhelm and frustrate newcomers to the game,” said self-described “entrepreneur” and Apex Legends regular Mark Haglund, 32, explaining how in just over three weeks, he had managed to invest over 200 hours in figuring out the ideal drop locations and flanking maneuvers, causing casual gamers playing against him and his friends to simply quit in frustration. “I admit I hated it at first—everyone was on the same level and everyone had a decent chance to win any given game. What’s the point of a game like this if I’m not systematically crushing normies and making the experience miserable and confusing for 95 percent of the player base?” Haglund added that once Apex Legends had become a virtual ghost town due to the actions of players such as himself, he was looking forward to trying out Anthem.
More from The Onion