Here at the Onion Gamers Network, we have long operated under the principle that in an age of universal cowardice, to act bravely in support of video games is a revolutionary act. As such, our editorial board was saddened but unsurprised to see virtually all of the industry’s trade organizations fold under the pressure of a mere globe-spanning pandemic: E3, GDC, the Tokyo Game Show, and more gave in to the spineless alarmists who put public health over the importance of game expos. Ultimately, our hand was forced.
That’s why today, we are proud to announce The Onion Gamers Expo, a weeklong video game conference spanning October 5 to 9, unafraid to kick-start the resurgence in our global pandemic.
Staged in the lavishly appointed 750 million-square-foot Zweibel Convention Center in downtown Phnom Penh, Cambodia, the Onion Gamers Expo is a conference that refuses to let gamers go for a year without the vital resources of mind-blowing trailers and stunning gaming announcements. It answers lesser conference’s timid kowtowing to so-called “pandemic experts” with a full-throated clarion call: Video games are here, video games are important, and video games cannot be held back by the threat of a few hundred thousand measly moralities to a virulent respiratory virus.
With commitments from Nintendo, Sony, Microsoft, Atari, and Coleco Industries, OGE is dedicated to the principle that humanity requires—nay, demands—video game conventions. Indeed, they are vital to our civilization’s very survival. Would the great empires of Rome and Greece have canceled their video game conference if threatened with a simple flu? No! Would the free citizens of the gaming world have stood for a year lacking such gatherings without making the streets run red with the blood of their feckless political leaders? Unquestionably.
You see, then, that we had no choice but to ignore pleading from three dozen medical experts and invest heavily in creating a video conference like none before it or after.
This conference—and its 10,000 vendors, 2,750 major publishers, 713 gaming icon-packed panels, and dozens of dedicated communal soup troughs—is dedicated to those who despaired going for all of 2020 without receiving a single piece of Ratchet & Clank swag. It exists to comfort the troubled minds of those who worried that they would never again see a flustered Ubisoft tech crew spend their entire stage time trying to get a hands-on demonstration of Assassin’s Creed: Valhalla working again after a game-ending glitch. It exists for the legions of gamers who would have rioted and pillaged all the great cities of the earth without artist stalls where they could clandestinely purchase a book of Spryo the Dragon erotica. In other words, it exists for you, reader.
Indeed, even as you read these words, millions are salivating to see the pandemic generation of gaming conferences up close and personal in a way those gutless buffoons at E3 were unwilling to give you. It’s an understandable reaction for any self-respecting gamers, and even more so for those perceptive few able to see past the absurdity that breathing is more important than video games. So, keep your eyes on our social media account to get your tickets, and visit the Onion Gamer Expo store for your official OGE merch. But hurry! We only have 1.5 million tickets left, and they’re sure to run out soon!
The new age of video game conventions is finally here, readers. Prepare yourselves accordingly.