We all know the 2016’s Doom was a reboot beloved for its nonstop action and face-melting gunplay, but below that hardcore surface lay thousands of tiny details that developer id Software agonized over to create one of the most fine-tuned first-person shooter experiences ever. But even the most hardcore fan is going to be amazed by the developer’s recent reveal that every demon you fight in the sequel Doom Eternal went to hell for masturbating as a teenager.
That’s right! id Software just confirmed that all the hellspawn you must slay in order to protect Earth were originally condemned to the fires of hell for all eternity for pleasuring themselves to fashion catalogs and softcore Cinemax pornography in their formative years.
“We know there’s been speculation about the origin of the demonic forces in Doom, so we’re excited to officially confirm fan theories that the game’s antagonists were given their ghastly forms as punishment for getting sexually aroused by a Victoria’s Secret advertisement while they were home sick from school,” series director Hugo Martin told OGN, noting that antagonists such as the Arachnotron had been imbued with a hideous spider-like form for staying up late in eighth grade to watch the scrambled Spice channel in his bedroom.
Martin went on to note that—while not in any way referenced in-game—the studio designed elaborate onanism-based backstories for every single demonic foe that you kill, stressing that the stronger the demon, the more they sinned against God by committing the sin of self-pleasure. For example, he indicated that the three Hell Priests each separately torrented Hustler videos on the family’s shared computer as 13-year-olds, before giving up and masturbating into a tube sock.
“One of the enemies we’re most proud of is the leader of the Maykrs, Khan Maykr, who achieved her rank in hell for committing the ultimate sin of using a vibrator while fantasizing about a crush from geometry class,” he continued. “In fact, the primary motivation for these characters invading Earth is an attempt to slake their depraved lust for self-abuse and sexually-suggestive photographs.”
So, there you have it, gamers! Thanks to the master storytellers at Bethesda, there’s even more depth to explore in one of the greatest video game franchises of all time. Happy slaying!