Since our founding in 1947—years before the creation of video games—the Onion Gamers Network has remained at the forefront of interactive entertainment. In fact, our founder, Otto Helmut Zweibel, was originally ridiculed as a madman and fool for believing humanity would one day control miniature men using their television screens. Yet today, gaming has blossomed into America’s fastest-growing cottage industry, and OGN continues to report on the field’s bleeding edge. In line with that, today we are proud to announce that we will act on our steadfast belief that the internet is the future of video game journalism by bringing our unparalleled blend of reviews, game guides, and exclusive sneak peeks to the realm of cyberspace.
Welcome, gamers, to the next generation of gaming news.
This decision to move into the digital world was not without controversy. But after a good deal of internal debate and the purging of the 63% of dissenters among our staff, we stand behind our intention to embrace a digital-forward presence. So let’s give you a taste of what can be expected from our online presence:
Threatening The Lives Of Game Makers:
As dedicated readers know, our journalists broke ground by sending the first-ever death threat to a Namco programmer in 1981 for daring to create a female Pac-Man (a cowardly and grotesque act that we still vehemently oppose). At the time, we called this distinguished method of intimidating a Digital Onion Execution (or D.O.X.). We now proudly have over 200 reporters using the resources of social media in our Doxxing Division to police our sacrosanct vision of gaming.
Putting Developers Over Players:
Our reviewers are dedicated to ensuring the feelings of developers are never hurt, even if the game’s final build is frustrating, buggy, or entirely unplayable. Developers have put good money into creating interactive entertainment for the masses, and we believe they are due compensation, even if it requires our writers to lie, exaggerate, or inflate our final judgment. Indeed, if a reviewer ever violates this policy, they are fired on the spot and referred to punishment by the aforementioned doxxing experts.
Our One-Quarter Pledge To Readers:
Pornographic images of video game characters will continue making up at least 25% of our content. These highly sexualized drawings constitute a significant portion of our appeal to advertisers and readers alike, and our shift to digital will not change their frequency or extremely graphic nature. This is our promise to you.
A Dial-In Tips Service For ‘Day Of The Tentacle’:
As always, a majority of our multimillion-dollar revenue will be devoted to keeping a small army of tip experts on hand to provide puzzle clues at a 45-cent-per-minute hotline to players of LucasArt’s 1993 adventure classic.
All these features and more will remain on offer through our digital presence. Yet this isn’t to say that print will not remain important for years to come. Rest assured, you can still find physical editions of our magazines, OGN Monthly, Atari Power, and Skee-Ball Wizards, in cigar stores across the nation. Indeed, our internal metrics indicate it will be decades—if ever—before the internet overtakes the appeal of holding a real glossy video game magazine in your hand. But until that day, this website will provide a glimpse into the distant future where gaming news comes to you electronically.
Over and out, gamers.
Onion Gamers Network Editorial Board